Working on loving myself

As part of the healing process, my therapist would like to me to try to work on loving myself more. He noticed as I was talking about various things, that I don't have a lot of respect for myself. He suggested a few exercises to work on liking myself a bit more. First, he suggested reflecting on what I like about myself.

• I like to think that I am a good listener
• I like to help people
• I like to make people laugh

That's about all I've got for that. Hmm, I see what he means. Even he listed more positive attributes about me than I did just now. His next suggestion was to ask some friends or family to list a good characteristic or two about me. I asked a few of my friends for their opinions and their responses were overwhelming.

• You're always there to listen
• You make the time to check on people, if people are in need, they don't need to go far
• You're sympathetic and understanding towards situations and people
• You're always on the move, you keep up with the pace of the world, even if it's stressful
•  You are not simple minded and always have something going on
• You volunteer your time and efforts towards secondary causes all the time: people, charities, volunteer work, etc
• You love unconditionally
• Your thoughtfulness - I found a mini scrapbook you made me from high school with pictures and funny stories that we had together. It's special to me to have it and those memories
• You are always willing to help and usually are smiling, even if you hate it
• Your laugh is wonderful!
• You are very mindful or the wants/needs/feelings of others. I'm always amazed by what you remember about what others say, they like, or don't like, or memories. I always want to be more like you and be cognizant of what others say because it's always really touching when you bring up something that I said a long time ago or something like that
• You are dependable. There is no one else I know I can go to for anything, no matter how crazy or ridiculous it is. You accept me and care for me even at my worst.  So it isn’t just a matter of dependable, because a lot of people are dependable.  You go beyond that, to the point that I know if my life depended on it, I could count on you.
• You are trustworthy.  Similarly, I know I can trust you with whatever I am going through, good or bad, and you will support me. 
• You are so unbelievably caring.  To so many people.  I know this from personal experience but also from the way you interact with others. I admire how much you care and dedicate yourself to others so much. 
• Seriously you are hilarious. You are such a joy to be around.  I mean, I am not a funny person but when I’m with you I feel like I’m funny because you make me funny!  You draw out the best in people, making them feel comfortable, like they can open up to you.
• You are self-aware, reflective, and non-judgmental.

One of these people suggested I write down what they say as well, so I can go back to them in times where I feel weak and unloving. I can't even thank these four people enough for their kind words and the time they took to help me with this part of the process. My therapist developed what is called the Fear - Love model and gave me a copy of it. I carry it around with me to remind myself that I want to be on the "Love" side of the model, not the "Fear" side. On the model, there's a list of characteristics on each side. Right now I am 75% under fear. Yikes. That's not good. It's time to change and adjust myself to be more on the love side.

Hopefully this is just step one and I will keep working towards it!

Thanks, friends, for reading these past few posts and not being too disappointed that I'm not posting all of the plant/work/project stuff at the moment. I actually have a plant post on my mind. I'll get that up soon!

Things I'll Miss

Just doing some more writing to get the thoughts out of my head and onto paper. I am having such a hard time sleeping so I'm back at it. Maybe this will help since I've in a selfish phase of mourning. 

Things I'll miss about Grandma Lu: 

1. Christmas Eve

2. Doing the dishes for her and fighting about it every time

3. My birthday dinners 

4. She will never get to see my house again

5. Doing yard work together

6. Eating Portillos together 

7. She won't get to see me get married or have kids

8. Watching her and Leia interact together 

9. Driving in her car together... And me white knuckling the door handle as she drove rather recklessly

10. Her hugs and kisses on the cheek

11. Her smell

12. Going to the mausoleum together on holidays 

13. Listening to her update us on the extended side of the family

14. Eating her pasta and gravy

15. Any holiday at her house

16. Christmas Day at my parents' house

17. Getting manicures together 

18. Getting cards in the mail from her for holidays or birthdays

19. Joking around about having to eat jello 

20. Her laugh and smile when she saw any of her grandchildren

That's quite the list. Maybe writing it down will help it from swirling around in my head at night. 

Miss you Grandma. 

You're an angel

It has been a very terrible few weeks. Actually it has been a terrible 16 months. I lost my dearest Grandma Dot in September 2013. My sweet Grandpa Joe in February 2014. Shannon's mom in July 2014.

And in January, my feisty Grandma Lu lost her battle with cancer. January 18 2015.

I know this post is turning into a pity party, but if you know me, you know I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. Quite honestly, death has not been an "issue" with me before. But since the passing of Shannon's mom, I have started to develop PTSD and a serious aversion to death. It started to change from a finality to an unfair, devastating, injustice to me. I stopped accepting that death was a part of life, and started to believe that whatever "God" that is out there is some sick asshole who get's off on people's suffering and heartache.

Whoa, sorry. But it's the truth, that's how I felt.

Anyway, in September my Grandma Lu was diagnosed with cancer again. This would be her 3rd fight with it. The news hit me really hard, especially after hearing that it was abnormal cells with no signs of it turning into a tumor, thus no way to "remove" or "cure" it. She was given 6-9 months.

Trigger anxiety and anxiety to death again. After a few terrible months of watching my grandma suffer with chemo treatments, I decided I needed to seek professional help. The kick in the pants for me was when Grandma made the decision to stop chemo treatments. I called and made the appointment the next day.

She passed away the day before my first appointment.

Obviously I sobbed 90% of the time during my first appointment and when the therapist listened to my story, he told me to do one thing.

Write.

Write it down. Write down the events. Write down your feelings. Write down your thoughts. Get them out of your head.

So that's what I'm trying to do here. You, the reader, don't know that I have had to stop twice and sob uncontrollably. Or text Stephanie for encouragement. But I'm going to write down some things like he suggested. Honestly, I haven't been sleeping well, and I have a lot of dreams about her and it hurts my heart so much. So I hope this will help.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Once Grandma started with chemotherapy treatments, I started going to see her every weekend. I knew she was sad, sick, losing her hair, and alone. I knew she didn't really want to go through this, but she was doing it for us. I knew she didn't feel pretty or have strength anymore. So I came over to her house and helped with whatever she needed. Put up Christmas decorations. Fix the bathroom faucet. Go grocery shopping. I like to help out in general, and I felt a real need to do so for her. One of my biggest feelings when Grandma Dot and Grandpa Joe passed away was that I was not around enough. Now, I know trying to jam all that in once a week as Grandma Lu was dying isn't the best way to help that emotion from going away. But I used it as a way to cheer her up for the most part. Most of the time when I was around, she would smile and sometimes even laugh.

There were hard days, but I couldn't really blame her for having a bad mood or not wanting to have me around for long. I still wouldn't trade those days for anything. Mostly because I see where I get my stubbornness and attitude from... from her! As her granddaughter, I didn't really ever see those sides of her. And it was nice to be able to see her as an entire person.

At the end, she spent every other week in the hospital. She had to skip chemo a few times because she was so dehydrated or sick. By doing so, it started to spread. In order to control it, her doctor suggested trying a different concoction. After much thought, on Sunday January 11th, she told my dad and me that she didn't want to continue with chemo anymore. She wanted to live her last days feeling good, not sick. While it broke both our hearts, we completely respected her wishes. I remember that drive home with my dad that day.... It was mostly silent with periods of tears quietly streaming down our cheeks.

Exactly one week later, she passed away in the hospital. She was admitted for low blood sugar. While my dad and his sisters were meeting with some doctors, she became unresponsive and never woke up. I rushed to the hospital and sat by her side until she eventually left us.

It's hard to describe what it's like to watch someone die. I stared at her breathing for hours. I stared at her breaths become more and more shallow. I watched her take her last breath. It was like she was taking a big breath... except there wasn't one after it.

On the 11th, I went into the TV room to say goodbye to her as Dad and I were going to head home. She was watching an old TV show and was slumped on the couch. I could tell she was tired, so I went over to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I told her I loved her and she said it back. And she said to me, "You're an angel, my dear."

I can still hear her saying that to me. And hearing "I love you too." It makes my heart break to know I won't ever hear that again. Or hear her laugh. Or eat her pasta. Or have Christmas Eve at her house. Or have a birthday dinner with her.

The past few months have been very special for me. We talked about a lot, and she confided in me more than she has before. She told me her real, true feelings. She admitted things. I felt closer to her and I think that's why I wanted to see her every weekend. To keep learning as much as I could and to be with her as much as possible. That's probably why I wanted to speak at her funeral.

I wanted to speak at both my Grandma Dot's and Grandpa Joe's funerals, but didn't know how to ask. Shannon asked me to speak at her mom's funeral and it was a very indescribable feeling to share feelings and memories of her with her whole family. I wanted to do the same this for Grandma Lu. Luckily my family supported my desire and I wrote a eulogy and delivered it. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I felt some sort of calmness around me as I stood up in the chapel and talked about my loving grandma. I know she was there, and I know she appreciated me sharing my feelings. And I know she would have wanted me to be strong while giving those words. They are below for my therapeutic use.

For those of you who may not know who I am, my name is Amy and I am Lucille's oldest grandchild. Thank you to everyone who has come to celebrate her life today, as well as yesterday. Before I continue, I should clarify that she is known as, and always will be known as, Grandma Lu to my cousins and me. Grandma Lu is known for many things: her cooking, her rules about sitting on the "French room" couch, her affection for big band music, her daily trips to Portillos for lunch with Grandpa, and her standing Saturday morning beauty shop appointments. But most importantly, she is known for her love, commitment, and devotion to her family.

When I sat down to identify a memory or two to share with everyone, I found it extremely difficult. How can one summarize a relationship as special as the one between a girl and her grandmother? It actually can’t be done, but I WILL try to share a few memories with you all today.

 As a child, I don't remember a school play, concert, or function that she wasn't in attendance. Actually, looking back on it, she was pretty devoted to attend every one of my brother’s, Doug, and my high school band concerts. Some of those were pretty terrible! But it didn't matter to her. Afterwards, she would be there with flowers and a big hug, congratulating us on our achievement and ready to take us out for dinner. It doesn’t stop there; Grandma Lu and Grandpa Joe also joined their children's families on vacations. Whether they went to Hayward, Mexico, or Disney World, it was very important to them to be a part of their grandchildren’s childhoods. I don’t think any of us would trade those memories for the world.

I think I speak on behalf of all my cousins when asked about our favorite memory with Grandma Lu. It has to be Christmas Eve! And we were lucky enough to celebrate one last Christmas Eve with her this year. Ever since I can remember, my aunts, uncles, and cousins would all gather at Grandma’s house to celebrate Christmas and we always did so on Christmas Eve. I actually remember one Christmas where my family decided to visit my mom’s family in Cleveland for the holiday. Doug and I were so concerned about missing all of the traditions with the family!

Every Christmas Eve was the same: munch on way too many snacks before dinner, play pool or darts in the basement, eat too many helpings of Grandma’s pasta and garlic bread for dinner, begrudgingly eat the traditional course of Jell-o, Megan, Ben, Jack and I washing the dishes, the countdown to present opening, and the systematic tradition of opening gifts from youngest to oldest. I remember feeling twice the amount of anticipation for Christmas Eve than Christmas Day…. Because it meant that my entire family would be together and enjoy the holiday as one. And Grandma Lu was at the center of it all.

I was talking to a friend and expressed my fear that these memories or her attributes would fade away. But he brought up a great point. Grandma Lu’s energy, compassion, sense of humor, love for her family, and spirit will remain forever, through all of us. They will remain in Doug’s dedication to his career in film editing. They will remain in Annmarie’s compassion for animals as her progresses as a veterinary technician. They will remain in Megan’s determination to help educate youth in her career as a teacher. They will remain in Tommy’s initiative to pursue an education in his passion. They will remain in Jack’s sense of humor as he always has the family laughing at his stories and jokes. They will remain in Ben’s attention to the family’s interests and passions.

Since she started chemotherapy treatments, I spent nearly every weekend with her. We would sit and talk, eat Portillo’s, watch old black and white movies, I would clip her acrylic nails as they grew out, and help my dad with things around the house. I will never forget those moments or take them for granted. And her memory will remain in my heart forever. Rest in Peace, Grandma. I hope you and Grandpa are enjoying a nice Portillo’s Italian beef with a diet coke, no ice and a chocolate shake for dessert…. Together.

 


It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my PJs, under a blanket, crying, and writing. And besides harboring a broken heart over everything I will miss about her, I am also upset that tomorrow is Saturday. Because I would spend Saturdays with her. And I won't be doing that tomorrow.

 "You have no events scheduled for tomorrow"

One of the things that was important to her was to visit her parents and brother at the mausoleum where they are buried on holidays and birthdays. Her mom used to do it, and Grandma continued the tradition once she passed away.

Once Grandpa Joe passed, I made sure to tag along when she wanted to visit her family. She would also bring a flower for each person there. For years we brought 3 carnations each time we went. For the past year, we brought 4. On January 22nd, I placed 5 carnations in the vase she placed there years ago.

During her last few hours, the nurse reminded us that the hearing is the last to "go." So I talked to her about my day, Leia, and made some promises. I promised her that I would take care of the peace lilies that were sitting by her door from Grandpa's funeral. And I promised that I would  always visit her on holidays and bring a flower for each person.

I'll be there on Valentine's Day, Grandma. I promised

Bathroom Update

When I moved into my new house, I had a friend repaint the entire thing and all of it was done in earth tones. That would include my master bathroom. The bathroom was painted a shade of tan, which at the time was exactly what I wanted! Except, I also picked out a brown bathroom set. It had leaves and wonderful tree things on it, so I thought it was destiny. Except... after 2 years, I realized the lack of color was eating away at me. I really DO like color as well as earth tone nature! So with some help of my wonderful mother, I decided to spice up the room.

I started with the main wall looking like this. Yep, that would be a big, tan wall with nothing on it. SO boring!

I also started with a vanity like this. Brown towel, brown walls, brown jewelry box, brown soap dispenser... you get the deal:

So the first goal was to put SOMETHING on the main wall. On my toilet I have a tan and blue container and decided I wanted to accent with blues and teals. Luckily for me, my wonderful mother went with me to Hobby Lobby to help pick out some decor. Here is what we came up with!

 More color! Actually, inside of the cute blue frame with the birdie, is a picture of Spring Valley. It's a bright picture of some trees in fall. COLOR! NATURE! YESSSS. I love the different textures with the metal heart, the canvas "relax" and the wooden frame. The hooks are perfect for hand towels and my hair wraps. Step one: complete.

I wasn't sure what I could do with the vanity area. My mom and I found this awesome way to put a boarder of tile or wood trim around a large mirror to class it up, but I didn't have the money for that project at that time. So I looked around on Pinterest and found a way to spice up a towel rack! Here is what we started with:

Basically, it involved taking a piece of colorful paper and putting it into a frame, then mounting it around the towel rack. Seems easy enough, right? Here's the final product. Step two: complete!

We found a wonderful blue/brown/tan piece of scrapbook paper and an off white, clearance frame to accent the colors in the paper and bring a new color into the bathroom. We decided to laminate the paper because I don't have a humidifer in my house, so sometimes I shower with the fan off and the doors open to get humiditiy into my room. To prevent the paper from wilting and shriveling, we laminated it first. That did make it difficult and thicker to fit between the frame and the holder, but not impossible. From there, we measured the middle of the paper and traced the towel holder, then cut a hole. Then, I removed the table mount from the back of the frame and secured the frame with a small nail at the top via the hook provided to the wall to keep it steady on the wall. Then I remounted the towel rack and ta-da! I love it!

 

Other than that, my mom found an adorable burlap flower that matched the new colors perfectly. I decided to hang it above the toilet to bring some color to that side of the room. You can see the cloth container that inspired the color scheme. To top it off, Saint Nicholas brought me a set of light blue towels to tie it all together. I was still using the orange, green, and pink towels from college. Oops!

 

There you have it! A spiced up bathroom with some color! Hopefully sometime I can add the boarder around the mirror and really finish it up! Hmm, what part of my house is next?

Online Garage Sales - My new addiction

I have recently stumbled on a new addiction. It's called online garage sale-ing. A friend of mine was talking about a Facebook garage sale group in his town. I was curious and searched for a group in my town. I found one! And then another. And another. I am currently in 8 garage sale groups from towns around me! I can't stop checking the pages! But to be fair, I have found some pretty good deals. Come on a tour with me!

I have pretty much nothing hanging on any of my walls. Someone was selling this mirror/votive piece and for some reason it spoke to me! $10. I hung it up in my entryway from the garage. I love it!

 I can actually blame my mom for this one! I got her addicted to the garage sale groups, too. She came across these Levolor faux wood blinds on a local group. The lady was only charging $20 for 6 blinds! They were all too long for my windows, but we adjusted them to fit. Previously, I had ugly, used roman shades in my living room. They came with the house and were extremely faded and gross. Now I have perfect condition blinds!

 I never had blinds in my bedroom after living here for a year and a half. Now I do! No more accidental peep shows for the neighbors.

One of the first things I wanted to find on the groups was a set of chairs for my porch and deck. And I found one! These chairs fold up and can be used for camping. I think the lady said they were from Camping World. A few days later, I came across the metal table to add to the chairs. Perfect for watching Leia play in the yard!!!

 Right after buying the previous chairs, I came across this set! 2 red chairs with a sturdy, glass table.. for only $20! I have a balcony/porch on my second level. Perfect! Sometimes Leia plays on the porch and now I can sit with her and soak up the sun!

I found these cute wall sconces that match the colors of my kitchen. At the time, I had nothing hanging in the kitchen, so I bought them for a reasonable $5 in hopes I could find a spot. This weekend, my mom and I found this awesome leaf clock at a store and after hanging it, I decided to hang them with the clock! I'm all about this inexpensive decor!

I also found a $50 Columbia jacket for winter. I googled it, and it retails for over $160! The lady said she needed a longer jacket for work. It was my size and was in excellent condition! It's right in between my light fall jacket and my heavy winter coat. Perfect!

I wish I knew about these groups earlier! I am definitely addicted! I can't wait to see what other good deals I can come across!

What do I want to do?

A few weeks ago, I had the opportunity to apply for an opening in in my department at work. It would have been a step up from where I am currently. I went through the entire interview process and felt extremely confident about getting the job. Of course, ignorance is bliss and I was not offered the position.

I'd like to say I accepted the news gracefully in person. Now, of course, as soon as I was alone, I cried. I was dealing with a mixture of shock and disappointment. The next day, I was overwhelmed with embarrassment, I interviewed with my entire district and was not chosen! Talk about feeling like second best.

Anyway, I have been in a weird place when it comes to my career. My brother lives in LA and edits animated films, and they make it to television. My cousin is a vet tech who now operates and horse trainer who also gives lessons. My other cousin is starting her teaching career to change young children's lives. Stephanie is a teacher of the hard of hearing and special needs to help change their lives. Erin travels the world helping those in 3rd world countries through CRS.

What do I do? I manage the horticultural aspects of the neighborhood parks in my town. I definitely have been feeling inadequate compared to friends and family. They all have careers that people care to hear about. I am always asked how my family and friends' jobs are going. How much is there to tell about mine? I chainsaw trees and pull weeds. Thrilling.

Since being turned down for the position that would advance me in my career, I have been extremely lost with where I want to be. What do I actually want to do? What can I do now to change the path I am currently going down?

Hard to answer most of those questions without answering "What do I want to do?" I have a degree in Horticulture and Business Administration. I do NOT have a degree, a background, or a passion for landscape design. So besides that, where else can my degree take me? I have a passion for plants, trees, nature. I also have a passion to work with people. I tried working behind a desk - I felt like my life was being sucked out of me. I tried working as a breeder - I felt like I could die from the boredom of doing the same thing every day. I pretty much enjoy what I'm doing now, but I don't feel an ultimate sense of satisfaction at the end of the day. Am I really making a difference. My cousins and brother are.

I suppose I help make the parks attractive.... but that's about it? At the end of the day, have I changed anyone's life? Have I healed a sick animal? I have I enlightened today's youth? Have I edited a film that makes it to Cartoon Network or Netflix? Have I opened a women's center in a 3rd world country to help empower and teach women?

I have done some serious reflecting, but can't seem to find a solution. Can you help?

Summer is half over?!

I'll be honest, it's been hard to convince myself to sit down and write a blog post! Now that we're smack dab in the middle of summer, my busy season at work, I hardly have time to clean my house!

So far it's been a typical summer. However... it started off sort of rough with a surgery on my right elbow.... which also gives me an excuse about why I haven't updated. Typing is hard with just one hand. :)

I had 3 similar surgeries on my left arm in high school. For the past year, my fingers would go numb and weak in my pinky and ring finger. It started affecting me at work. It was hard to type on the computer, use the chainsaw, or grip anything for any amount of time. After some non invasive techniques, my doctor decided the ulnar nerve had to be moved and I had surgery at the end of April.

We were going slow during recovery to prevent the nerve from falling back into place (where it was being smushed and damaged),  so work was very difficult. I felt pretty helpless, not being able to drive or do anything. Well, I'm pretty sure I overdid it, because I have started feeling the numbness and tingling again a few weeks ago. You may see another post about another surgery. :(

 

In better news, my nephew-by-love was born in May. He is the cutest little guy, I can't get enough of him. He definitely helped me during my frustrating arm times and tiring work times. He has the cutest little old man face. Recently, he has started smiling and that just melts my heart!

Also, in more celebratory news, my parents celebrated their 30th anniversary. Doug and I worked on something somewhat sentimental and asked friends and family to send a letter or memory of them. I found a cute keepsake box to keep them in. It turned out pretty cute and I had fun receiving all of the memories. Here's to another 30 years!

In normal summer fashion, Stephanie and I spent a week straight co-chairing the Cool Delights booth at our church fest. Sadly I don't have any of the pictures from that week, but it's always one of my favorite weeks. Of course it rained, stormed, and was rather chilly during the Fest, but in the end, it's always fun to spend that time with Steph and this year with Eli!

Finally, Leia turned two. Two years old! When I adopted her, she was about 6 months old, and now shes two! My parents were wonderfully generous and got her some goodies, as well as a birthday bandana. Of course I went a little overboard for her birthday. She had a very fun day and enjoyed all her presents. What a spoiled little puppy!

Well, let's hope this is the start to more constant blogging! Hmm, better start brainstorming a topic for next time....