Insomnia

Can't sleep again. I laid down knowing that I was so tired that sleep would probably come instantly. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking about my grandma. And tears started flowing. And... Here I am. 

We are getting closer and closer to selling her house and it's breaking my heart. We won't ever play boxcar kids in the backyard. We won't ever have dart tournaments in the basement. We won't ever have our kids table in the kitchen for holidays. We won't ever play endless games of war in the tv room. We won't ever open presents in the French room on Christmas Eve.

We won't ever be there as a family ever again. There's 26 years of memories in that house for me. Yes, I know that my dad and his sisters have many more years than that. But it's those 26 years that I'm having trouble with tonight. I'm not ready for those memories and traditions to stop. I know we will make more memories as we create new traditions this year...

But tonight that doesn't calm my broken heart. I think only my grandma's hug and laugh would calm me right now.

Of course thinking about her makes me think about my Grandpa Joe and Grandma Dot. Oh and now... the tears flow harder. Random: I wish I had spoken at their funerals as I wanted to. I am currently feeling regret about that right now. It sits at pit of my stomach. 

I had a dream about my grandpa last night that he could walk without a walker and was the man I knew for 20 years. He had such a big smile on his face and I could see humor behind his eyes. It was great seeing him that way. I hope that's exactly how he is up there with my grandma right now. Smiling, walking, and slipping a witty joke into the conversation. 

I haven't dreamed of Grandma Dot in awhile. I hope she's doing well. I still can see her smile and hear her laugh which is comforting. But still sad at the same time. I wish I could hear it for real.  I hope she's laughing with her parents and my other grandparents right now. Well, not right now while I'm sobbing and all snotty. But in general. 

Most importantly, I hope all 3 know how empty my heart feels without them in this life. I appreciate the dream visits from them. I just don't want to forget anything. 

Well this wasn't the next blog post I had in mind. But my therapist was right, it does help calm me to write down my feelings and thoughts. Time to try to revisit sleep. I'll work on a lighter post soon.