Silent Night

I have plenty to talk about per my last post and future post ideas, but for some reason I have a need to write this one first. There’s a chance I may delete it or make it private after posting it. But I know that deep down, I have an obligation to myself to write these thoughts as they swirl around my head daily.

 

One of the bullets in my last post indicated my grandma passed away since I last blogged. While true, it happened much more recently than many of my other updates. Last month, my mom and I had a trip planned to visit my grandparents, who live in Ohio. My grandma had a nasty fall down her basement stairs back in July. 13 stairs later and a stroke to blame, she was admitted to a rehab hospital to heal. She had many bruises, bumps, a fractured shoulder, and lots of stress on her body. True to her nature, she took it all in stride with a smile and patience. My mom and her brother traveled out there to visit frequently to check in on my grandpa and visit my grandma. Generally, she was healing as expected. Of course there were a few complications. What we thought was a bad reaction to some antibiotics for a cut on her leg, turned out to be an infection to her colon. For a few weeks, Grandma was extremely sick and unable to eat or sleep. Luckily, it passed and many of us didn’t think much more about it. There was one weekend in September that we thought she would be released soon; her color, attitude, and mobility were all doing so well!

 

In late September, we got another call from the rehab hospital letting us know that she was sick again, the same way she was earlier in the year. However, this time, it was worse. I remember having a conversation with my dad where we both questioned in the hospital’s cleanliness and why she was getting sick so much. My mom and I decided to make a trip out there to investigate what was making my dear grandma so sick to her stomach. I was ready to whip out my mean face and urge a transfer. Just as I arranged everything at work and packed up Leia’s things for a weekend with my dad, we got a startling phone call.

 

My grandma had been admitted to the hospital. She was getting extremely dehydrated from being so sick. During routine testing, they found that this “sickness” was the result of a deadly infection, called cdiff. The infection had been eating away at her colon. It was at the point where it needed to be removed for fear that it would kill her. This was especially alarming because of how weak her heart was. My family made the decision at 8:30pm to drop everything and drive out to be with her. Please imagine an overnight drive to Ohio with a year old pitbull in the backseat of my mom’s new SUV.

 

We pulled in around 4am where we found my grandpa asleep. Unsure of what to do, my mom called the hospital where we learned that Grandma and the doctor decided to have the surgery as time was not on her side. She survived the surgery and her heart did great. I think all three of us (and I’m sure Leia, too) sighed a huge sigh of relief. We all stumbled to bed to catch some sleep before Grandpa woke up. Morning came too quickly as he started moving around at 8am. After breakfast, we made a plan to see her in the Cardiac ICU as my uncle still had another 5 or so hours on his drive.

 

I actually can’t remember many of the details of that day. I can’t tell if it’s because of extreme fatigue or that I don’t want to remember what happened. I do recall sitting in the waiting room all day. Only a few people were allowed to go back at a time. She was still unconscious with a breathing tube and many, many IV bags. She wasn’t responding to nurses or family. Before I even went to see her, I felt sick and panicky. Could I really go in there and see her like that? Thankfully, no one forced me to go in until I was ready. And even better than that, my grandpa got her to respond to him after a few hours. I remember going into her room and her nodding and shaking her head to my voice. At one point she squeezed my fingers. I told her some stories and told her that we needed to play our favorite card game while I was in town. I remember she nodded her head and I swear I thought I saw her lips move into a tiny smile. While things were bleak, I think we all left that night with a little bit of hope that she was starting to respond to us and the nurses. I could just feel that she was glad to have us there, especially my mom.

 

I do remember falling asleep rather late that night, poor Leia just had too much energy.  Actually, I believe I drifted off playing fetch with her. Oops. I remember seeing 11:30pm on my phone as I cuddled on the couch with her. Around 3am I heard the house phone ring. Wait, what? Where I am I? Leia jumped up too. I fumbled with the lamp and realized I was still in the basement at my grandparents’ house. And the phone rang? Oh no, that cannot be good. I raced up the stairs to find my mom hanging up the phone. The hospital called and said my grandma’s blood pressure was extremely low and that they were planning on giving her a few more medications to bring it up. Geez, was a phone call to the house at 3am necessary? I crawled back onto my couch and settled Leia in. My heart was still beating but fatigue took me over again…. For 15 minutes. The phone rang again. I didn’t bother getting off the couch this time. I texted my mom to avoid another silly trip upstairs. Her response back to me was “Get dressed.”

 

The four of us rushed the hospital. On 4 of the strongest blood pressure medications, my grandma’s BP was only hovering around 50/30. The nurse didn’t think she was going to last much longer. What? Didn’t we all leave last night in good spirits? Didn’t she squeeze my hand goodnight? How could this happen? We sat with her from 4am until 1:30pm, where she eventually passed away. For those 9 hours, we sat and watched her blood pressure slowly drop. We met with many doctors who told us there was nothing they could do. Her kidneys shut down and weren’t producing anything. Her BP kept dropping. At one point around 5am, her heart stopped and I remembered watching the nurses revive her. Twice. She was responding to us up until the last hour… moving her head and hands. It just didn’t seem real at all.

 

The sun peaked through the clouds around 1:15pm that afternoon. We were all there: my parents, uncle, aunt, grandpa…. We watched the monitor drop to zero. As I even type those words I begin to cry. I don’t think it’s possible to forget that screen or the bright, natural sunlight peeking through the blinds.

 

Was this too much information? Too personal? It may be. Frankly, I don’t care. I have been struggling immensely since September 27. I’ve gone through phases of denial, to extreme sadness, to anger. Everything reminds me of her and it’s very painful to think that a visit that was supposed to be a “fun” one with card playing… that turned into a funeral. The most exhausting and emotional funeral I have ever been a part of. As we picked out caskets, her dress, prayer cards, I couldn’t stop thinking that she won’t be here to see me ever get married, have children, see my house, or be there to talk to. Even today, I need to find a way to work through the emotion and start to move past the pain and anger.

 

Who am I angry at? Well, myself for starters. I didn’t go out to see her once since she fell back in July. I let work take precedence over my family. I didn’t get to see her and hug her and hear her voice. Why did I let myself pass up those trips out there? I could have gotten to talk to her, maybe even urge a facility change earlier to prevent the second infection. I don’t think I can describe what I would do to hear her laugh and to play cards with her around the kitchen table one last time. She was so terrible at shuffling the 2 decks of cards we played with. I am angry at her, too. Why couldn’t she wait for us to get there before surgery? She had to know that we were mere hours away. Why couldn’t she just hang on until we got there to say a proper goodbye? Why does she have to live so far away that I can’t visit her grave site whenever I want or need? Why?

 

I’ve been having nightmares. Well, it’s gotten better the past 2 weeks. I would see the nurses, the crash cart, but most of all her vitals on the screen… slowly dropping to zero. I started to avoid sleeping to avoid having the dreams. I would wake up in tears and feel sick and I didn’t want that anymore. I gave up naps and stayed up as late as possible. I thought if I was SO tired that my body would skip the dreams. This tactic worked for the most part, but other parts of my life started to suffer. I started getting too tired to do a good job at work, and I didn’t have energy to play or walk Leia. So, instead, I started letting Leia sleep with me each night. Before, she was only allowed to on weekends or special circumstances. But now, when I wake up from a bad dream, she is always there to lick my tears away and cuddle with me. I’m not resisting the dreams anymore and they still happen a couple nights a week.

 

As the holidays approach, I fear how I will handle it. I will feel perfectly fine one day but then hear a song on the radio, see an angel ornament, or see her picture and feel very sad. How will Thanksgiving and Christmas go without her? How will it feel not to get a Christmas stocking full of silly Walgreens gifts? How will it feel not to address a Christmas card to her? How will it feel to hear Silent Night, the one Christmas song that would make her cry? Right now, I am pushing those feelings aside as I still struggle with denial and anger. I can only hope by the holidays I have entered acceptance. Acceptance that all of her discomfort is gone and that she is reunited with her mother. Acceptance that she is looking down on us and sending us all of her love.

 

Acceptance that even though I didn’t go out to see her enough, she still loves me. Because I think that is what I struggle with the most.

 

Rest in Eternal Peace, Grandma Dot. I love you.

Remember when...

... I used to blog consistantly?

... I bored readers with Foliage Friday?

... I bought a townhome?

... I adopted a puppy?

... I survived my 2nd annual Park Pride work program?

... I had 2 concussions?

... I managed to make it through my second summer at work?

... I lost the most wonderful grandmother in the world?

... I geeked out over the holidays and made my house look ridiculous with Halloween decor?


My, my. What a very sad year it has been. I can't believe it has been 10 months since I updated this poor blog. If you can't tell from the above list, it has been a crazy, insane, busy couple of months. I thought about writing specifically about each of the above points.... but I realized that would probably take me another 10 months. :)

Let's add some pictures to summarize the major points. And I will definitely expand on a few things. And I vow to be a better blogger!!


1. Soooo... I bought a house! It was actually a very exciting experience. After looking at well over 20 properties (with my poor parents, I can't really thank them enough for being so patient and going to EVERY property with me!) I fell in love with a townhome nearby. I was very lucky to also find a house that was in the final stages of a short sale. The previous offer fell through and I was able to swoop in without any of the bank mumbo jumbo. I closed on my little dream townhome at November 28, 2012 and moved in on December 30, 2012.

 One of things that I had to change before moving in was this silly window cut out on the second floor.  The windows were outdoor, and they really didn't go with the house.

My dad's friend was willing to come and tear out those silly windows and make my second room a loft. He also painted the entire house for me!

 Here is a shot of my house with the furniture moved in after my friend, Gina, and I moved it all in one night!

 My windows looked like this for quite a long time.... who knew window treatments were so expensive??

My most favorite part of my house is the fireplace and mantle. Well, I don't love the black marble on the front, but I just love having a fireplace. This is one of the fire times I enjoyed it last spring!

2. Shortly after moving in, I finally reached my second goal in life... adopting a dog! I could hardly wait a month after living in my new house. Again, I dragged my parents to 3 different adoption shows before deciding on an adorable little pitbull. Before I even started, I knew I wanted to adopt a dog from a shelter/foundation. There were SO many adorable, loving dogs that day.... but there was 1 little baby that captured my heart. It didn't bother me that she as a pitbull, I just connected with her! After filling out an application, having a home visit, and getting her spayed, miss Leia came to live with me for good! When she became part of my family, the vet estimated she was about 7 months old.

 This is a picture from her foster mom about a week before the adoption was final. Look at that face!!

 After a few weeks with me, Leia started to get very comfortable. This picture of her on my arm chair just cracks me up!

One of my most favorite pictures of Leia! This is basically her expression 85% of the time. She is probably the happiest dog I have ever met. She cracks me up every day and I am lucky to have her in my life!

3. I survived another busy season at work. And holy cow was it a busy one. One of my coworkers was let go in mid winter, leaving us with 1 less full time staff member to plow. We weren't able to fill the position until May. That was a good 5 months of me losing my mind trying to get everything parks related done... even the parts I didn't know. Then, in August, my supervisor left for another park district. We still haven't filled his position yet... so this summer has been beyond hectic. I don't have many pictures on my personal laptop of what I've done at work this year, but here are a few I got off my cell phone.

 

I have pots in a few locations around the district. This year I wanted to try a purple/green theme. This picture is right after I planted it, I wish I had a picture of them fully grown. I don't have ANY landscape design experience so I'm trying to teach myself as I go.

As I did last year, I planted mums throughout the district again this year. This is a spot at the shop I use to hold plants. When all the mums were delivered, this entire cage was filled up! It was an impressive array of mums.

I think that's all I've got for tonight. I wanted to highlight a few of the major points over the past 10 months. Of course, I will probably write more about my grandmother and my festive household decorations!

What would you like to read about? Anything I missed that you want to hear about?

Fall mums, everywhere!

I mentioned in a previous post that at work, I did a LOT of mum planting for fall. In the past, there never seemed to be enough color for everyone, so since I started.... it was expected I would overload the district with mums. Talk about pressure! On top of that, it was our year to undergo a loss control review (analyze our safety procedures) and renew our agency accreditation. And when I saw renew, I mean to say that we hadn't been accredited for years.... so we were working hard for it this year!

Just a little pressure...

So here are a few pictures of the large mum plantings I put in this year. However, keep in mind that I took these pictures as the mums were expiring. Imagine healthier mums!

The walkway to our administration building. Lots of yellows and oranges!

Close up of the administration sign. I used a lot of kale in the designs and a lot of people were intrigued with them.

Close up of another planting near administration front door. I added pansies and kale around this planting. The pansies really took off!

There's also a random planter island near the admin building. I added kale, swiss chard, and pansies.

In front of a sign bed near our parking lot... threw some sage into this one.

This is a sad picture.... the ornamental grasses went dormant by the time I took this picture. It really was a nice display when I planted it!

Another area that started to die by the time I took a picture. The big mums were a beautiful pink color! The yellow mums were scattered around some Halloween decorations for a Halloween event we host.

I also did some fall barrel arrangements. Again, this looked way better a few weeks earlier!

I sadly did not get pictures of the other areas I planted before they looked awful. I learned a lot from this experience... first of all, I need to plan a LOT EARLIER, and I need more dramatic designs. I went very conservative and I feel like it could have been a lot better. Hopefully next year I will have better pictures. :)

Needed a new direction

I'm back! Thought I would touch on a few things from my previous post's list.... starting with the new job!

Back in October of 2011, my position at the forest preserve ended as the summer ended, and I needed a new job. I found and accepted one at Ball Horticulture. I worked as a breeder technician, where I pollinated petunias all day long. All. Day Long. If you know me, you'll understand that I got bored really quickly. There wasn't much variety in my day to day responsibilities. On top of that, the commute was slowly killing me! An hour each way was a pain, but in the winter it was absolutely terrible. I decided it was time for a change for those reasons and more. Luckily for me, I received an email immediately after applying for a position at a local park district!

On April 2nd, I started my first day as the Horticulture Supervisor for the park district. I was really nervous because I've never actually WORKED for a park district, just volunteered at one. Plus, I was coming in with limited to no knowledge on large equipment. Luckily, my new boss is really excited to have me in the position.

Since then, I have learned a TON! I even aerated the baseball fields a few weeks ago by myself on our New Holland tractor.  We have 4 major parks/attractions that I worked on landscaping this summer, in addition to 45 playground parks that needed attention. Needless to say, I've been busy! I also had a crew of 10 high school/college age seasonals this summer. I really liked being back in the supervising role! The forest preserve and Ball had me down at the bottom of the barrel, and I didn't realize how much I missed it until starting here.

Fall is here, so my crew has dwindled to just 4, but we still have a lot to do! I plan on planting a couple thousand bulbs for spring, clearing out a few natural areas, and doing a lot of landscape planning.

I don't have many pictures, but here a few so this post isn't too boring! Soon I will take pictures of my fall plantings so you can be blown away by the number of mums I planted this year. Ha.

 A little planting area in one of our parks. One of my seasonals nicknamed it Stone Hedge. I decided to make in a natural planting. Here is one of the pictures in mid summer.

This is the path at one of our smaller parks. There is a resident who was really upset about the condition of the path... lots of weeds, no clear lines. So for some reason, I decided to fix that! Over the course of a few weeks, we sprayed for weeds, put down a few hundred pounds of pre-emergent, edged the entire path, and laid a new layer of screening. Wish I could find a good picture of it after we overhauled it!

I'm really excited to be here and to see what else I can learn and do!!!

Where do I start?

Well, I have definitely gone my longest without posting. This is so embarrassing!!! Is there anyone out there who has been still checking for an update? I commend you for your persistence. I am going to try much much harder to post on a more regular basis. I miss blogging!!!

Back to the original question... where do I start? My most recent post was about Wael (Erin's husband) visiting the farm.... in January. Well, I posted it in March, but the event happened in January! Ahhhh!!!

What has happened since then? Hmmm.

1. I am still a loyal Sunday morning feeder at our Park District's living history farm. Through frigid winter mornings to steamy summer mornings, I have seen a lot of livestock be born and grow!

2. I was honored to attend and enjoy Stephanie's sister-in-law's bridal shower and bachelorette party. I love being a part of their family!!!

3. I was also honored to attend and enjoy Stephanie's other sister-in-law's baby shower. By the way, he is the cutest baby ever known to man.

4. I started a new job. (Don't worry, there is more to come on this one!)

5. I attended my second alumni Association of Residence Halls Passing of the Gavel where I presented this year's NACURH inductee. Total honor.

6. My brother and cousin graduated college. And another cousin graduated high school! So very proud.

7. I hosted my first major volunteer event at work.

8. I helped Stephanie and Adam prepare their garden and other misc. landscape ventures.

9. My baby cousins turned 8 and 10. (ahhh!!! Time is going too fast! Can I still call them my baby cousins?)

10. I attended the beautiful wedding of Stephanie's husband's brother and sister in law.

11. Co-chaired my fifth (?) Family Fest icecream booth with Stephanie. This is seriously one of my most favorite times of year.... until Sunday morning when I can't drag myself any farther!

12. I went to Egypt with my family for Erin and Wael's wedding. (Haha, don't worry, more on this, too)

13. I helped plan and throw Erin's bridal shower and bachelorette party.

14. I attended Erin and Wael's US wedding.

15. My brother moved out to LA to pursue his film making dream.

16. I've started my first house search!


Whew! A LOT of this occurred this summer. Like... a heck of a lot of it! This was probably one of the busiest summers EVER! Between all of our summer projects and a busy time at work, we left the country for 14 days!! I want to embellish on a few of these points because they are exciting and of course I want to share pictures. Leave a comment if there is anything you'd like to hear more about!!!

Of course, a big thank you to those of you who have been checking my blog for an update. I hope this doesn't blow your mind too much! I'll be back soon to talk about the above list... and more! How do you feel about bringing back Foliage Fridays?

Talk to you soon!!! :)

Farm Visit with Wael

What a wonderful New Year's Eve!! We woke up late in the morning and hung out for awhile. We ate some breakfast and while Erin was showering, we realized it was snowing! Wael has never seen snow before!!!

Stephanie had Wael go outside to take a picture in it. Except you can't really see the snow... but we know it was snowing during this picture haha

After eating some breakfast, Erin, Wael, and I left Stephanie's house and traveled back to our hometown. I immediately jumped into the shower and took a long nap. Ahhh it was nice to relax after an exciting night! Apparently we couldn't get enough of each other because that night, we got back together at Stephanie's house for our traditional game night! Bridget and Tony joined us for a hilarious time.

For some reason LMFAO's music video for "Sexy and I know it" came up in convo and we watched it on Adam's new iPad!  It was HILARIOUS

Something is cracking me up. We did a lot of laughing that night

We have no pictures of us actually playing games... but we sure documented us drinking! Jello shots!

We definitely had a great time. I love game night! What did we actually play? I can't even remember the names of the games, but they were so fun. That night, I crashed (again) on my beloved futon. I'm lucky to have such gracious hosts who let me stay over all the time!

The fun didn't end there! The next morning, Erin, Wael, and I went to the farm to check it out. I pretty much love anything having to do with the farm and I was excited to show Wael all about it! He has heard about "the farm" and needing to go "feed" so I wanted to show him what I was talking about all of the time.

Wael and Erin posing in front of the farm. It was freezing!!!!

We ventured into the barn first to meet some of the cattle. Otto was excited to say hi!

Wael wasn't sure about the large steer, but they got along just great. :)

"Why you no bring me food?!?"

The newest cow to our heard is Bertha. I wanted her to come say hi but she is pretty shy. She didn't leave the spot she was standing in here!

We went upstairs in the barn to show what it looked like. I show them what some of the food looked like!

Our next stop was the horses in pasture. I brought Prince over to say hi

The wonderful couple meeting Price!!!

No one else wanted a picture with the pigs, but we did visit them. :)

Of course we picked the coldest day of our winter! We were freezing! But I think Wael enjoyed seeing the animals. Maybe in August we can go back when it's not freezing cold! He said in July we could possibly go horse back riding in Cairo!

Can't wait until he is back for another visit!!

3...2...1... HAPPY NEW YEAR!

I have been lucky enough to celebrate New Years Eve with Stephanie's husband's family. He has four brothers and they have adopted me into their family. One of my favorite traditions is New Year's Eve at Tony and Jessica's house. However, this year was a little different... Erin was in town with her boyfriend fiance, Wael! Usually we just hang out, play games, drink and eat... but we wanted to be more exciting for Wael this year!

Wael, Erin, and me on New Year's!

So instead, this year, we went to a local restaurant for a lovely dinner and dancing afterward. It was so much fun!

My date! Jessica's husband had to work and well... I'm single so we were each other's dates!

We enjoyed a delicious dinner as a "couple" haha.

Stephanie went around and took pictures with all the couples! Ha

Look! Erin and Stephanie got a picture together!

Erin and Wael hanging out after eating!

Two of my favorite people EVER!

We had a pretty big group!! It was wonderful. We laughed, ate, and drank into midnight.

Our wonderful group! It was awesome to celebrate with them this year!

Jessica and I being cheesy with our champagne

If you couldn't tell, Jessica is pregnant, so I took it upon myself to drink her champagne. And I found another glass on our table, and drank that one too. Haha.

AWWW, fiances smooching at midnight

Stephanie and Adam toasting at midnight

One thing we didn't anticipate was the dancing portion of our night starting with country music. The group that stayed to dance are primarily country fans... but poor Wael hadn't been exposed yet! His face to the line dancing was priceless! Eventually it switched to dance music and we got our groove on until 3am!

Stephanie's interpretation of country dancing haha

CaNdiD!

Dancing all night long!

Once we got tired enough, we went back to Stephanie and Adam's house to crash. I was reunited with my favorite futon (hehe) and slept like a log. The next morning we ate some breakfast and snacks, talked about the night's fun. It was another wonderful celebration with my pretend cousins! Can't wait to see how it goes in future years. :)

Stay tuned to find out what the group did on New Year's Day!!!