Insomnia

Can't sleep again. I laid down knowing that I was so tired that sleep would probably come instantly. But for some reason, I can't stop thinking about my grandma. And tears started flowing. And... Here I am. 

We are getting closer and closer to selling her house and it's breaking my heart. We won't ever play boxcar kids in the backyard. We won't ever have dart tournaments in the basement. We won't ever have our kids table in the kitchen for holidays. We won't ever play endless games of war in the tv room. We won't ever open presents in the French room on Christmas Eve.

We won't ever be there as a family ever again. There's 26 years of memories in that house for me. Yes, I know that my dad and his sisters have many more years than that. But it's those 26 years that I'm having trouble with tonight. I'm not ready for those memories and traditions to stop. I know we will make more memories as we create new traditions this year...

But tonight that doesn't calm my broken heart. I think only my grandma's hug and laugh would calm me right now.

Of course thinking about her makes me think about my Grandpa Joe and Grandma Dot. Oh and now... the tears flow harder. Random: I wish I had spoken at their funerals as I wanted to. I am currently feeling regret about that right now. It sits at pit of my stomach. 

I had a dream about my grandpa last night that he could walk without a walker and was the man I knew for 20 years. He had such a big smile on his face and I could see humor behind his eyes. It was great seeing him that way. I hope that's exactly how he is up there with my grandma right now. Smiling, walking, and slipping a witty joke into the conversation. 

I haven't dreamed of Grandma Dot in awhile. I hope she's doing well. I still can see her smile and hear her laugh which is comforting. But still sad at the same time. I wish I could hear it for real.  I hope she's laughing with her parents and my other grandparents right now. Well, not right now while I'm sobbing and all snotty. But in general. 

Most importantly, I hope all 3 know how empty my heart feels without them in this life. I appreciate the dream visits from them. I just don't want to forget anything. 

Well this wasn't the next blog post I had in mind. But my therapist was right, it does help calm me to write down my feelings and thoughts. Time to try to revisit sleep. I'll work on a lighter post soon. 

Student Career Day

I was invited to speak at a local landscape/horticulture conference last week as a panelist for the student career section of the conference. How did that happen? Well, I'll tell you!

I applied to teach a class at a local college as an adjunct horticulture professor. The class I signed up to teach did not go because there weren't enough students enrolled. But to keep me involved, this college invited me to be part of the panel they were creating for the conference.

The panel consisted of an owner of a landscape company, the manager of another company, a garden center manager, and me. The idea was the four of us represented different sectors of working in the horticulture industry.

There were about 60 high school and college students who attended the panel discussion. I was really surprised that many students were interested in a career in horticulture! I had a very unique perspective for the room since I was the only person working in the public sector. I was worried I would sound too cynical, but luckily, I made it sound like a total blast... ;)

We each talked about how we got into horticulture, what we have learned about working in our fields, and where we think horticulture is headed. I normally can talk for long amounts of time, but I was fourth in the panel and often had to keep us on track with time. I could tell 75% of the room was bored and didn't really want to listen to us, so I prepared some anecdotes and tried to "work" the room. I know how my professors engaged me in high school and college, so I tried to emulate them.

It worked because I had a few groups of students come up to me and thank me for my information and complimented me on my presentation style. That made me feel so good! Awhile later, a few guys shouted to me "Good job in the student career session!"  as I was walking to the next session to attend. Looks like I may be able to teach if the time comes!

I felt super official when I realized my name was on the program and sign outside of the room we presented in. That's me!

I really enjoyed the experience to connect with local students and discuss horticulture. It was a good reminder about why I am in this field. Hopefully I will be invited back next year!