It has been a very terrible few weeks. Actually it has been a terrible 16 months. I lost my dearest Grandma Dot in September 2013. My sweet Grandpa Joe in February 2014. Shannon's mom in July 2014.
And in January, my feisty Grandma Lu lost her battle with cancer. January 18 2015.
I know this post is turning into a pity party, but if you know me, you know I struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. Quite honestly, death has not been an "issue" with me before. But since the passing of Shannon's mom, I have started to develop PTSD and a serious aversion to death. It started to change from a finality to an unfair, devastating, injustice to me. I stopped accepting that death was a part of life, and started to believe that whatever "God" that is out there is some sick asshole who get's off on people's suffering and heartache.
Whoa, sorry. But it's the truth, that's how I felt.
Anyway, in September my Grandma Lu was diagnosed with cancer again. This would be her 3rd fight with it. The news hit me really hard, especially after hearing that it was abnormal cells with no signs of it turning into a tumor, thus no way to "remove" or "cure" it. She was given 6-9 months.
Trigger anxiety and anxiety to death again. After a few terrible months of watching my grandma suffer with chemo treatments, I decided I needed to seek professional help. The kick in the pants for me was when Grandma made the decision to stop chemo treatments. I called and made the appointment the next day.
She passed away the day before my first appointment.
Obviously I sobbed 90% of the time during my first appointment and when the therapist listened to my story, he told me to do one thing.
Write.
Write it down. Write down the events. Write down your feelings. Write down your thoughts. Get them out of your head.
So that's what I'm trying to do here. You, the reader, don't know that I have had to stop twice and sob uncontrollably. Or text Stephanie for encouragement. But I'm going to write down some things like he suggested. Honestly, I haven't been sleeping well, and I have a lot of dreams about her and it hurts my heart so much. So I hope this will help.
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Once Grandma started with chemotherapy treatments, I started going to see her every weekend. I knew she was sad, sick, losing her hair, and alone. I knew she didn't really want to go through this, but she was doing it for us. I knew she didn't feel pretty or have strength anymore. So I came over to her house and helped with whatever she needed. Put up Christmas decorations. Fix the bathroom faucet. Go grocery shopping. I like to help out in general, and I felt a real need to do so for her. One of my biggest feelings when Grandma Dot and Grandpa Joe passed away was that I was not around enough. Now, I know trying to jam all that in once a week as Grandma Lu was dying isn't the best way to help that emotion from going away. But I used it as a way to cheer her up for the most part. Most of the time when I was around, she would smile and sometimes even laugh.
There were hard days, but I couldn't really blame her for having a bad mood or not wanting to have me around for long. I still wouldn't trade those days for anything. Mostly because I see where I get my stubbornness and attitude from... from her! As her granddaughter, I didn't really ever see those sides of her. And it was nice to be able to see her as an entire person.
At the end, she spent every other week in the hospital. She had to skip chemo a few times because she was so dehydrated or sick. By doing so, it started to spread. In order to control it, her doctor suggested trying a different concoction. After much thought, on Sunday January 11th, she told my dad and me that she didn't want to continue with chemo anymore. She wanted to live her last days feeling good, not sick. While it broke both our hearts, we completely respected her wishes. I remember that drive home with my dad that day.... It was mostly silent with periods of tears quietly streaming down our cheeks.
Exactly one week later, she passed away in the hospital. She was admitted for low blood sugar. While my dad and his sisters were meeting with some doctors, she became unresponsive and never woke up. I rushed to the hospital and sat by her side until she eventually left us.
It's hard to describe what it's like to watch someone die. I stared at her breathing for hours. I stared at her breaths become more and more shallow. I watched her take her last breath. It was like she was taking a big breath... except there wasn't one after it.
On the 11th, I went into the TV room to say goodbye to her as Dad and I were going to head home. She was watching an old TV show and was slumped on the couch. I could tell she was tired, so I went over to give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I told her I loved her and she said it back. And she said to me, "You're an angel, my dear."
I can still hear her saying that to me. And hearing "I love you too." It makes my heart break to know I won't ever hear that again. Or hear her laugh. Or eat her pasta. Or have Christmas Eve at her house. Or have a birthday dinner with her.
The past few months have been very special for me. We talked about a lot, and she confided in me more than she has before. She told me her real, true feelings. She admitted things. I felt closer to her and I think that's why I wanted to see her every weekend. To keep learning as much as I could and to be with her as much as possible. That's probably why I wanted to speak at her funeral.
I wanted to speak at both my Grandma Dot's and Grandpa Joe's funerals, but didn't know how to ask. Shannon asked me to speak at her mom's funeral and it was a very indescribable feeling to share feelings and memories of her with her whole family. I wanted to do the same this for Grandma Lu. Luckily my family supported my desire and I wrote a eulogy and delivered it. It wasn't as difficult as I thought it would be. I felt some sort of calmness around me as I stood up in the chapel and talked about my loving grandma. I know she was there, and I know she appreciated me sharing my feelings. And I know she would have wanted me to be strong while giving those words. They are below for my therapeutic use.
For those of
you who may not know who I am, my name is Amy and I am Lucille's oldest
grandchild. Thank you to everyone who has come to celebrate her life today, as
well as yesterday. Before I continue, I should clarify that she is known as, and
always will be known as, Grandma Lu to my cousins and me. Grandma Lu is known
for many things: her cooking, her rules about sitting on the "French
room" couch, her affection for big band music, her daily trips to
Portillos for lunch with Grandpa, and her standing Saturday morning beauty shop
appointments. But most importantly, she is known for her love, commitment, and
devotion to her family.
When I sat down to identify a memory or two to share with everyone, I found it
extremely difficult. How can one summarize a relationship as special as the one
between a girl and her grandmother? It actually can’t be done, but I WILL try
to share a few memories with you all today.
As a child, I don't remember a school play,
concert, or function that she wasn't in attendance. Actually, looking back on
it, she was pretty devoted to attend every one of my brother’s, Doug, and my
high school band concerts. Some of those were pretty terrible! But it didn't
matter to her. Afterwards, she would be there with flowers and a big hug,
congratulating us on our achievement and ready to take us out for dinner. It
doesn’t stop there; Grandma Lu and Grandpa Joe also joined their children's
families on vacations. Whether they went to Hayward, Mexico, or Disney World,
it was very important to them to be a part of their grandchildren’s childhoods.
I don’t think any of us would trade those memories for the world.
I think I speak on behalf of all my cousins when asked about our favorite
memory with Grandma Lu. It has to be Christmas Eve! And we were lucky enough to
celebrate one last Christmas Eve with her this year. Ever since I can remember,
my aunts, uncles, and cousins would all gather at Grandma’s house to celebrate
Christmas and we always did so on Christmas Eve. I actually remember one Christmas
where my family decided to visit my mom’s family in Cleveland for the holiday.
Doug and I were so concerned about missing all of the traditions with the
family!
Every
Christmas Eve was the same: munch on way too many snacks before dinner, play pool
or darts in the basement, eat too many helpings of Grandma’s pasta and garlic
bread for dinner, begrudgingly eat the traditional course of Jell-o, Megan,
Ben, Jack and I washing the dishes, the countdown to present opening, and the
systematic tradition of opening gifts from youngest to oldest. I remember
feeling twice the amount of anticipation for Christmas Eve than Christmas Day….
Because it meant that my entire family would be together and enjoy the holiday
as one. And Grandma Lu was at the center of it all.
I was talking
to a friend and expressed my fear that these memories or her attributes would
fade away. But he brought up a great point. Grandma Lu’s energy, compassion,
sense of humor, love for her family, and spirit will remain forever, through all
of us. They will remain in Doug’s dedication to his career in film editing.
They will remain in Annmarie’s compassion for animals as her progresses as a
veterinary technician. They will remain in Megan’s determination to help
educate youth in her career as a teacher. They will remain in Tommy’s
initiative to pursue an education in his passion. They will remain in Jack’s
sense of humor as he always has the family laughing at his stories and jokes.
They will remain in Ben’s attention to the family’s interests and passions.
Since she started chemotherapy treatments, I spent nearly every weekend with
her. We would sit and talk, eat Portillo’s, watch old black and white movies, I
would clip her acrylic nails as they grew out, and help my dad with things around
the house. I will never forget those moments or take them for granted. And her
memory will remain in my heart forever. Rest in Peace, Grandma. I hope you and
Grandpa are enjoying a nice Portillo’s Italian beef with a diet coke, no ice
and a chocolate shake for dessert…. Together.
It's Friday night and I'm sitting in my PJs, under a blanket, crying, and writing. And besides harboring a broken heart over everything I will miss about her, I am also upset that tomorrow is Saturday. Because I would spend Saturdays with her. And I won't be doing that tomorrow.
"You have no events scheduled for tomorrow"
One of the things that was important to her was to visit her parents and brother at the mausoleum where they are buried on holidays and birthdays. Her mom used to do it, and Grandma continued the tradition once she passed away.
Once Grandpa Joe passed, I made sure to tag along when she wanted to visit her family. She would also bring a flower for each person there. For years we brought 3 carnations each time we went. For the past year, we brought 4. On January 22nd, I placed 5 carnations in the vase she placed there years ago.
During her last few hours, the nurse reminded us that the hearing is the last to "go." So I talked to her about my day, Leia, and made some promises. I promised her that I would take care of the peace lilies that were sitting by her door from Grandpa's funeral. And I promised that I would always visit her on holidays and bring a flower for each person.
I'll be there on Valentine's Day, Grandma. I promised
