You only need the light when it's burning low

My heart is a special kind of broken today.

I have written and rewritten this post 3 times. I don't know what I want to say.

On Saturday, my parents and I went to visit my dad's dad in the rehab hospital he has been living in for 2 years. For some reason I had a desire to go and visit him, it had been awhile. I think actually the last time I saw him was Christmas. We went, had lunch with him and visited. He was looking very thin, and was even refusing to eat the ice cream that came with lunch. I gave him a hard time about it because he is known for loving sweets. It was a difficult visit, all he wanted to do was sleep and go home.

When he was finally put back into his bed, I went into his room to say goodbye before we left.

"Hi Grandpa, it's Amy. Your favorite granddaughter."
"*chuckles* How are you?"
"I just wanted to say goodbye, I am going to leave with everyone."
"Oh you have to leave?"
"Yeah, we are going to go get lunch."
"Ok"
"But I wanted to say goodbye. And be good!"
"I'm always good."
"Haha, well keep being good for Grandma. I will see you soon."
"Thanks for coming to see me. It was good to see you. You should come visit me again soon."
"I will, as long as you are good!" *kiss on the cheek* "Love you Grandpa."

Unfortunately, I won't be able to go back and visit him. On Wednesday, his blood pressure dropped and there was nothing we could do. He passed peacefully with my grandma next to him, holding his hand.

"You should come visit me again soon"

Grandpa, I wish I could. I wish I could.

If I thought I had made any progress with my last post about my grandma (mom's mom), it's all gone. All of the guilt is back, except this time it's because I didn't visit him enough. I wasn't there enough to cherish his last days. I wasn't a good enough granddaughter.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark   

Same old empty feeling in your heart 

Rest in Eternal Peace, Grandpa Joe. I love and miss you already. Love, Amy

Let Her Go

5 months later, I am still struggling to accept losing my grandma in such a sudden heartbreaking, and devastating way, as well as witnessing it.

I actually decided to talk to a professional about the dreams/nightmares and inability to work past the sorrow and grief. So far, even after only 1 session, he has been extremely helpful. One thing he advises me to do is to avoid feeling guilty for my feelings. One way I could do that is by writing.

I wasn't sure what to write about that I haven't already written. Then a song came on the radio that brought me back to the hospital room. It's called "Let Her Go" by Passenger. It came out around the time that Grandma Dot passed away. The song is actually about a guy who realizes that the woman he let go was his true love. However, there are a few lines of the song that speak to me in relation to my grandma. Whenever I hear this song, it usually causes me to cry.

Here is the song on Youtube. Listen to it in the background and maybe you can understand how I am relating a love song to the loss of a very important person in my life. Here are the lyrics that speak to me and why.

 

Well you only need the light when it's burning low
Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you love her when you let her go
Only know you've been high when you're feeling low
Only hate the road when you're missing home
Only know you love her when you let her go
And you let her go

I completely 100% took my grandma (and grandpa for that matter) for granted. I took for granted all of the cards she sent on holidays and birthdays. I took for granted the thoughtful gifts she sent. I took for granted the card games we played in the kitchen. I took her famous macaroni salad for granted. I took all the toys she saved for us in the basement. I took the fact that she used to iron our bedsheets when we visited for granted. I took her love for granted. I feel like this verse is saying you don't know what you have until it is gone.... and that is exactly how I feel at this time. I feel extreme guilt for taking all of that for granted, and realizing it too late.

You see her when you close your eyes
Maybe one day you'll understand why

I will never see her again in this life. I will never see her smile or twinkle in her eye when she got silly. I will never hear her laugh or the way she scolded Doug and me for being naughty. Now, I can only see her when I close my eyes. Unfortunately, I only see the bad moments; the hospital, the casket, the lack of smile and color on her face. Hopefully some day when I close my eyes, I will see all of the wonderful things about her instead.

Staring at the ceiling in the dark
Same old empty feeling in your heart
'Cause love comes slow and it goes so fast
Well you see her when you fall asleep
But never to touch and never to keep
'Cause you loved her too much...

As I eluded in the post I wrote about her (Silent Night), I have spent many nights unable to sleep. And when I did sleep, many nights were full of nightmares. Even now when I go to bed, I stare at the ceiling trying to imagine her up there with her parents and my grandpa's parents. Trying to imagine that all of her pain is gone and she is able to be with everyone she loves and missed. But the empty feeling still feels my heart and I feel selfish because she isn't here with me. I'll never get to touch her and feel her love in the physical sense. I found out too late how much I really love her. 

And you let her go

I need to let her go. She would want it that way.




Thank you for reading. Or not reading. I guess this isn't actually for everyone else's reading pleasure, it's more for me. Regardless, I hope I haven't offended anyone, as this was purely therapy.